What is a best friend?

For the past couple of days I've been thinking about the friendships I've cultivated over the years. I've been blessed with a wide variety of friends from a wide variety of backgrounds, and I love and appreciate them all for different reasons.

There's the friend you can talk about farts with. There's the friend you can talk shit about your kids with. There's the friend that's only there for the wine. There's the friend who makes you appreciate your life because theirs is such a train wreck. There's the friend that makes you laugh, but you can't talk about anything serious with. There's the friend that you can talk about serious stuff, but no shenanigans are allowed. There's the friend who you can philosophize with. There's the friend you can talk with, in depth, about soaps. There's the friend who teaches you how to relax. There's the friend who teaches you a thing or two about love. There's the friend who emits light in everything they do. There's the friend that teaches you that sometimes it's good to not give a shit. There's the friend who has it all figured out, and the one who doesn't know shit about shit.

These are good friends to have. They offer variety and excitement, with a touch of psychosis.

But there's always that one. That one friend that you might call the "best" one. They aren't the best because they're better than the other ones. They're the best because they encompass most of qualities that all the others have, wrapped up in one tidy little package.

A best friend is the one you can trust without hesitation when it's 3am, when a body needs to be buried, or when a secret needs to be kept. A best friend doesn't care if you're a weird bitch, doesn't judge you based on whatever asshole you're dating, and doesn't let other people talk shit about you. A best friend may not talk to you for a year, but when you do it's like a day hasn't passed. A best friend doesn't get butt hurt when you forget their birthday, because they know you just suck at that.

A best friend doesn't hesitate to tell you when you're being an asshole, nor do they abuse that power. A best friend will be there will you're old and decrepit, but won't lie and say they're gonna wipe your ass either. A best friend will try to teach you how to fight, knowing good and well they're gonna have to do all the work when the time comes. A best friend will forgive your shitty qualities and focus on the good stuff. A best friend will imagine good stuff when you have no good stuff to give. A best friend will pray for you when no one else cares. A best friend will challenge you to be better.

A best friend will dare you to be worse. A best friend will make fun of you for what you did twenty years ago. A best friend won't bring up things that really bother you. Unless they're super funny. A best friend will get pissed at you and then call you the next morning to remind you what an asshole you are. A best friend will accuse your cat of giving them strep throat. A best friend will pet your cat even though the fucker gave them strep throat. A best friend will let you be you, even when they prefer someone else. A best friend will never make you feel bad on purpose, and if you do feel bad, they'll inform you that you're being a big fat vagina.

A best friend won't ever read your blog because they're doing other stuff. But if they ever did read it, they'd know who they were.