5 Double Standards for Cats

Ah kitty cats. We love them. We spend hours online looking at them. But have you ever really given any thought to the double standards cats have in relation to humans? Let’s take a look.

  1. Cats can kill things and totally get away with it. They are natural born killers. Not only is this quality expected in a feline, but it’s encouraged. They often express their love and affection by leaving a dead bird or mouse at the doorstep of their person. Their person will then reward this adorable behavior with a snack, several kisses, and a bragulatory Facebook post. This only works for cats, though. Suppose a person were to drag a dead carcass up to a loved one’s doorstep. People would get all bitchy about that. Adorable is not the word the authorities would use, and it would not be rewarded with a display of affection or a treat. But cats can murder freely and lick their ass right afterward like it meant nothing. They are cold, sociopathic killers that we trust to sleep at our necks at night because they’re cute. That’s fucked up.

  2. Cats can have thirteen baby daddies and have sex in public and nobody blinks an eye. They are exhibitionists like no other, licking their asses, hissing, fighting and indiscriminately screwing. They have eight babies at a time and leave them at home alone right as soon as they’re born. They are the epitome of what my mother would consider to be a heathen, yet they are the most widely adored animal in the world. Cats have the freedom to behave any damn way they choose and no one will judge them for it. In fact, we happily stay behind and take care of the kittens when mom has gone off gallivanting like she owns the place. When she comes back hissing for us to get away from her kids, what do we do? We get away. Like little bitches. Then later, the same cat will jump up and lay on your face like you weren’t even using it. Again, not something people can get by with.

  3. Cats have nine lives. This means they can mortally fuck up eight times without any real and lasting consequences. People brag on cats for how many lives they’ve used up as if it’s a badge of honor, not a mark of stupidity like it would be for a human. If this were a person, it would be a tearful episode of Intervention where some poor grandma would blabber on about how she can no longer watch Jimmy destroy himself. No one would high five him or give him any credit for still having three legit lives left. They would just read their letters and sob, vowing to not let him back in the house until he straightened up. Meanwhile the same judgmental family would build a hole in their door so the cat could get in and out with its latest victim. That’s just messed up.

  4. Cats don’t have to have any special skills or know the right people to be famous on YouTube. All they have to do is cat things. Even just a regular sleeping cat can cause a rumble across the interwebs. Nobody cares about a regular sleeping person. People have to jump through hoops to get noticed and get famous. A cat just has to be hairy and cute. They need no talents or even a good personality. They can be assholes and go viral in fifteen seconds. Cats can get through life on looks alone. Not people. No, we get wrinkly and old and at some point better either have a good personality or know something. A cat is cute until it’s elderly and dies. It doesn’t have to know shit, be nice, or have any redeeming qualities whatsoever. That is bullshit. 

  5. A cat’s sanity never comes into question when it randomly attacks people and other animals. This is what cats do. They practice for murder. Ankles, other pets, babies and feet in the middle of the night are all fair game, and then some. Afterward, the tired kitty will take a nap. People cannot get by with this shit. Random attacks earn special gifts known as a felonies with the added bonus of a protective order. People just don’t understand when you tell them you’re brushing up on your murder skills. A cat can literally crawl up your leg with its claws sunk into your flesh and you wouldn’t do a damn thing about it. Guess what. I scratch a bitch, I’m going to jail.

These are just a few of the many double standards cats have. Examined more closely, the little bastards aren’t really all that precious.

But don’t tell my cat I said that.